Death Becomes Her

Scorpio season came in with a transformative and beautiful bang for me. The whole month of October has presented challenges, but all with opportunities to dig deeper and excavate treasure.

I started with a visit to my daughter’s college campus in TN. It was beautiful weather and so good to be together. Her transition has brought up a lot in me. As my parenting roles change with each consecutive child, parts of me undergo a death process. I lose identities and connections to things that really consumed my focus and time. As space is created, there is emptiness and a grief in knowing that parts of my life that I loved so much are over. I also get to see new aspects of myself that are grasping or attached in ways that I know are needing adjustment. Children need freedom to truly explore themselves and what they are here to do. As I observe myself and all that I am still unraveling in influences and conditions I was imprinted with in childhood, I realize how important it is to let my children be.

As I shift out of the pervasive setting of fear, I realize how much I impacted them unintentionally with my own negative perceptions and experiences of the world. This is done without conscious intent. This is done without words. As I shift ancestral influences in me, I realize how much we are impressed with energies from our bloodlines. This is especially true for our mother’s line. We are formed inside them and connected to their auric field strongly for the first incarnation cycle. The wisdom and power of mother is returning to its proper place on earth, and as we restore this in ourselves and families, it will literally change and elevate the frequency of life here.

As I have raised and loved my children at various stages, it has helped nourish the child in me that longed for such things. I think one of the reasons people struggle with the proverbial “empty nest” as their children leave, is the time it leaves for them to spend with themselves. They may feel that their primary sources of love and joy are gone, but in truth it is a time to offer these things to themselves. We are not taught this, so it seems uncomfortable at first. The grief is deeper than the loss or rite of passage, it is a death that is a necessary function of life, birth, rebirth, and creation itself. We get to explore new aspects of ourselves, and see where we are holding on to fears and stereotypes about these phases that can be shifted to live more peacefully and authentically.

I had children young so I always felt like I was growing up with them in a way. I am so grateful for the time I have with them and for their patience with me as I stumbled through life. All of the pressures I placed on myself to attain or be something of value, didn’t really matter. There is love in all of it that has sustained.

I came back from TN to support a family ,member in the hospital. This was to correct something that resulted from an earlier emergency. It was a reinstatement of sorts, allowing for a renewed sense of gratitude for what remains after a period of loss and brush with death delivered a new world view. Death always allows for a new opening or beginning. What we struggle to let go of, is often a relief after we overcome the fear of losing it. I was blessed to be visited by a friend that had eclipse glasses while there, so I was able to see the solar fire eclipse. I marveled at the many faces of the sun during the event, and how bright and strong the sun light is even while eclipsed. That sentiment stays with me as darkness and discord are stirred up in the world. I know the light does not have to fight, it only shines and absorbs the shadow in its wake.

 

 

 

 

 

Humanity will rise to transcend its subjugation to polarity and separation. The projected poisons must surface to be recognized in resonance and reflection. We continue to see divisive extremes in race, politics, religion, wealth and other seemingly opposite poles, behaving more in likeness and similarity. They are matching in energetic resonance, and not actually as different as the surface stories proclaim. Hate is hate, violence is violence, blame is blame, and the accuser is often proven guilty of that which is accused. In the limited understanding and experience of separation, people project their own issues and emotions onto others. They blame others for what they refuse to see in themselves. This is especially true in times of discomfort and misfortune. As more people recognize that this happens in themselves and their relationships, they will free themselves from the shackles of victimization all together. Freedom starts from the inside out.

We are dying to old forms, ideas, constructs, beliefs, identities, and all their restrictive bindings. This causes major shifts in the frameworks that they create, inhabit, and reinforce. When we first see the deception and distortion in longstanding systems and beliefs, we are affected in proportion to the degree we have personal investment. If they are a large part of our identity and focus, we may be in shock and loss as they falter in decline. Some will be in denial because of this, and double down with a sinking or exploding ship. We all have paths of growth and choice here, perfect for our soul evolution and purpose. Our best bet is on ourselves; what is dying, what is opening, and what is being reborn in our self?

For me the resolutions have been very active in the dream realm. I have been a willing participant in addressing any armor or defensiveness I find in myself that created distortion or distance in my relationships or perceptions of others. When I first encountered my inner fortress and default protection setting, I was in shock. I was putting myself in new uncomfortable situations of vulnerability that set them off. It took time to develop them, and it has taken patience and practice to feel safe in relinquishing them. Some are unconscious and from other dimensional incarnations. They arise as we are ready to process them.

In a recent dream I was in another earth incarnation where I was murdered. I lived through the event in a way that allowed me to process and understand the residual effects of the trauma affecting me here. I was still holding shock, betrayal, devastation, and grief. I was murdered with my best friend and her small child. I had begged and bartered myself to spare her life to no avail. When I awoke, I created a space for myself to feel what was ready to move and be acknowledged. There were parts of me angry at myself for my helplessness and ineffectiveness, and at God for creating this complexity. I understood how this generated an overall feeling of mistrust toward others, an ongoing backdrop of danger and sorrow. I also hardened myself to prevent trusting or connecting too deeply because of the pain of loss. This really doesn’t stop us from feeling or suffering, it just imprisons us and causes feelings of isolation and segregation. When I was younger I numbed myself with alcohol to be social, but I was locked in armor as long as I can remember. I knew I was not normal and believed myself to be defective, but until I met these inner barriers I didn’t fully understand the extent.

I additionally was gifted in dreamtime with symbolic representations of other distorted beliefs I was holding on to in my subconscious. When we cannot access them consciously, we are left breadcrumbs. I was first alerted by my body. My digestive system slowed down to a miserable impasse. I was constipated for days. I knew there was something I was not digesting; something I was needing to let go of that was blocking flow and harmony. I was guided to slow down, to focus and nurture myself. As I began inquiry, I received. I was still holding fears of betrayal and abandonment. I was holding unprocessed anger and shame from my story. This was shown to me so I could address and process the energy, and then I could choose to move forward with a new understanding and willingness. We process major traumas over time cyclically, with each round having less disruption and charge when we are willing to let it go. As I took the time to prioritize my body and what it was telling me, I was relieved of the heaviness in the way. As I address my body as an intelligent vessel of awareness and technology, I am continuously amazed at its ability to communicate, cooperate, and mutate in response.

 

Things came to a magnificent culmination as soon as Scorpio season started. I was guided to do a reiki prayer ceremony for myself. I was to focus my attention and efforts on self love. I was guided to start by cleansing all roots and forms of self abuse. I then initiated the energy transmission and was taken to a clearing in a fairytale-looking wooded area. In the center I saw my current form in a glass coffin, similar to the scene in Snow White. Archangel Michael’s sword was lying along the length of my body on top of the glass. I appeared dead, and there was a long procession of all of my former selves in this life. They were arranged in line according to age, going back in time to conception. By my side, was my winged light self holding my hand and making adjustments, as each aspect of self came to pay love and respect before they merged into my resting form. It was attended by many other guides and beings, but the event pertained to all versions of myself.

I felt so loved and witnessed; I additionally felt love for every version of me in time. I made peace with myself and was able to finally lay rest to humiliations, judgments, and grudges held. After all aspects were called home, I watched my light self adjust the technology of my form before she too merged with it. I then saw myself rise new, to be welcomed by my attending team of light and support. It was a celebration of death and life, for nothing is truly lost but is reclaimed and part of the new shape moving forward. I was guided to then walk out into the world, and felt awkward in the body as I grounded into it. I was in joy and gratitude for what was accessed in death. My body continued to integrate and accommodate the upgrades in light through the night.

Death continues to be a source of awe and transformation in my process. When I lost my brother in 2014, I was facing some of the darkest parts of myself that encouraged me to consider it as a possible relief. At that time, I perceived it as an ending that was final, and a threshold uncrossable. It was cruel, and in opposition to life. I wrote about this time in my book TRUE LOVE NOT LIKE IN THE MOVIES, where I share how my brother reached out to me after his transition. It was through his ongoing love and support, that I learned to perceive death differently. I was able to experience love as intelligent and eternal, and I see now how death is one of love’s primary functions for growth and creation.

We are love experiencing ourself in various expressions of creation through time. We are no stranger to death, and it is our fears and beliefs about death that are in the way of us experiencing more peace and freedom here. We can embrace death, befriend death, and become death when we are called to change. We need not fear what we perceive is lost to us forever; what is real in love remains. What is important for our growth and wisdom do also. We can process and integrate the charges of the energy, while maintaining the experiential pearls.

Death encourages us to challenge everything in our reality. When it strikes to remove something or someone significant, it forces us to reconfigure ourselves, our perceptions, and our relationship with everything. We are always in various phases of birth and death energetically in life. Right now there is some part of you dying. There are layers of the past seeking rest and reconciliation in you. As you succumb to it as an aspect of life, instead of resisting it out of fear, you will find it has much to offer. You will also find it has companions that are available to you, to assist you in learning to let go.

Fear not the emptiness and space it leaves. Do not rush to fill it with new activities, attachments, and things. Let yourself be filled with you for awhile. Return to simple chores and steps. Take notice and comfort in the reliable rhythms in nature. Let flow run wild. You won’t run out of tears. In these empty spaces we find openings to places long forgotten and left untended. When the light enters there, a new world emerges within.

I would love to hear from you! What are your experiences with death? Where are you being called to let go? To transform? To be new?

 

 

 

 

 

 

May you find your own darkness more fruitful than fearful! Happy treasure hunting and Happy Halloween 👻💜